I Lie…But I’m Not a Liar

I spent about an hour last night discussing business ethics with a group of 20-22 year olds. Two of them admitted having fudged their income on applications in order to qualify for car loans.

“So you lied.” I said, matter-of-factly, but without judgement.

They went on to tell me how they had reviewed their finances and were more than equipped to pay the payments. One even had six months worth of payments in savings so he was sure that upping his income on the application would not have a negative outcome on the bank.

“That’s cool,” I told him. “But then you lied.”

This led to a 30 minute discussion about what it means to lie and how these individuals viewed our culture as one where lying is taught, rewarded and necessary. As the conversation wound down, someone said:

I lie…but I’m not a liar.

The response from the rest of the group was overwhelming.

“Yes, that’s it. I lie, but I’m not a liar.”

We discussed it further and I will share those insights in a future post, but for now I’ll put it to you.

What do you make of the notion that we can lie and not be liars? What’s the line between, say, talking your way out of a speeding ticket and exaggerating your income on a loan application? Love to hear your thoughts…

Love 2.0: Romance in the Real World…Kinda

My husband Martin sent me flowers yesterday—a beautiful mix of pink, red and yellow blooms with a sweet note attached. They arrived a few minutes before I walked out the door for a very hectic day of work. I love surprises and am a hopeless romantic, so the gesture really warmed my heart. I stopped, smiled, jotted him a quick ‘thank you’ and moved on to the next message in the queue.

 

You see, the flowers were an image that arrived via text…

I noted briefly the difference between receiving “real” flowers and “virtual” flowers as I gathered my bags and headed out the door, but lost the thought as I pulled out of the driveway and got on with my day.

Then, this morning, I encountered another bouquet.

This time, it was in the bathroom. Far less romantic and completely unrelated to Martin, I stepped into the ladies room at a local coffee shop and was met by the strong sweet scent of fresh hyacinth. The distinctively spring blooms (at least in suburban New York) were set on the counter as April snow fell in huge flakes outside the window. My mind immediately recalled my virtual flowers.

No scent, no staying power, no lasting beauty…

I was tempted in the direction of a “real flowers good, virtual flowers bad” response, but immediately thought better of it. My text flowers made me smile. They made me stop and appreciate my husband. They reminded me that, after 15 years and in the midst of two very hectic schedules he loves and thinks about me when we’re out and about. They reminded me that, when it comes to love and sustaining a fantastic marriage, the thought really DOES count.

That said I’d hate to live in a world where my daughter or granddaughter never enjoyed the aroma of fresh cut flowers with a note from the one they love. As with so many things in this rapidly changing culture, I desire the convenience and immediacy of tech world and the sensual experience of nature.

What about you? Virtual? Real? Both?

Communicating Across the Generation Gap…

What can tech-savvy 21st century women learn from their mothers and grandmothers? This was the central question I hoped to discuss with a group of 18, 19 and 20 year olds at a Women in Leadership conference this morning. It was a 45 minute session with a packed room, so I had no illusions about how much ground we’d cover. I’d have just enough time connect, get a sense of their school/career/future concerns and plant a seed that, despite the unique challenges of modern culture, there is much for us to learn from the elder women in our lives.

When I arrived at the session I was thrilled to see 4 or 5 women in their 50s or 60s in the group. Likely alumni or college employees, I figured I could weave in some of their thoughts and insights to drive the point home. Perfect.

It took about 10 minutes to get the ball rolling. Then, one by one, the students began to tell their stories:

I’m in law school, but don’t want to be a lawyer half as much as my father wants me to be one.

My dream is to be a chef, but I’m studying business because everyone says its more practical and I have these student loans.

My parents said they will stop paying my tuition and car payments if I change my major.

There were about six hands raised ready to share stories and a real momentum in the conversation when one of the elder women asked if she could speak. I would have preferred to hear a few more stories from the students before transitioning to the wisdom and legacy of our mothers and grandmothers, but she was eager and our time together was short.

What followed was the longest two minutes I’ve endured in a long, long time…

This well-meaning attorney and MBA proceeded to “solve” the problems of each of the women who’d shared their stories. I watched the enthusiasm drain from the faces of the younger women with each authoritative here’s-what-you-should-do and it-was-the-same/worse-when-we-were-young that came out of the elder woman’s mouth. This top-down communication style might have worked at one time in American culture, but these students just checked out and shut down. I was able to recoup the earlier momentum and end on a relatively high note, but it was clear that we lost something when the intergenerational communication went from theory to practice.

Lest you think this is a “woman thing,” I encountered a similar phenomenon at a conference last weekend where an elder gentleman lamented the use of text and Facebook at work in a kids-these-days tone and was challenged by a younger professional who saw no issue as long as the work was getting done.

I remain convinced that we have much to learn from the wisdom of our elders, but wonder how the sharing gets done in a highly segmented society where young people and elders rarely come into contact, not to mention share their lives with one another.

What do you think? How frequently do you seek the counsel/wisdom of people 30 or 40 years older than you? If you do, what do you gain from those relationships. If not, why?

 

The End of the World…

My 20 year old daughter, a studio composition major in a music conservatory in New York, approached me in our living room a few days after the earthquake and tsunami hit Japan and asked me why anything she does matters. “The world is in chaos. The recession, Middle East, earthquakes, tsunami, nuclear meltdown, everything is out of control and everybody keeps talking about the end of the world. Why does making music even matter?”

Hers was an eternal question, of course, that applies to the arts, business, education…all things human. How do we find meaning in a world where plates can cross in the ocean and devastate a nation in the space of a day? Why aspire to lives of purpose when so much seems random and fleeting? What makes us think that anything we do could possibly matter?

I’ll share the answer I came up with in a subsequent post, but for now I’d love to know: What would you have told her?’

 

Introducing…Genius in the Art of Living

Innovators are told: “Think outside the box.”

Qualitative scholars tell their students: “Study the box. Observe it. Inside. Outside. From inside to outside, and outside to inside. Where is it? How did it get there? What’s around it? Who says it’s a ‘box’? What do they mean? Why does it matter? Or does it? What is not ‘box’? Ask the box questions. Question others about the box. What’s the perspective from inside? From outside? Study diagrams of the box. Find documents related to the box. What does thinking have to do with the box anyway? Understand this box. Study another box. And another. Understand box.Understand. Then you can start thinking inside and outside the box. Perhaps. For awhile. Until it changes. Until you change. Until outside becomes inside—again. Then start over. Study the box.” — From Halcolm’s Laws of Inquiry

Taking a page from Halcolm, Genius in the Art of Living attempts to explore what it means to live a good life in a rapidly changing, highly uncertain, morally and culturally diverse, recession-beleaguered, hyper-connected world. More than a place to discuss work-life balance or what’s next for business (although we’ll do some of that) this is a place for questioning existing assumptions and considering new ways to approach a new world and our place in it.

I first thought I’d borrowed the “Genius…“ concept from Albert Einstein, who referred to the great moral teachers of his time and in history as “artistic geniuses in the art of living” but the term precedes both Einstein and me. Goethe, for example, uses the term to describe a female friend in this excerpt from a letter written in 1780:

“She knows the world, or rather, she is of the world, she knows how to handle the world. She is like quicksilver that separates into a thousand parts in a second and again combines to form a ball. Self-assured about herself and her rank, she also acts with such delicacy and ease that one must see it in order to describe it. She seems to give everyone his due…not like others…who give to everyone small sealed packets prepared according to class and rank. She just goes on living with people and that produces the lovely melody which she plays so as to use not every note but only the choicest. She handles it lightly and with seemingly carefree quality so that she could be thought to be a child tinkling about on the piano without looking at the notes, and yet she always know what and to whom she is playing. That which is genius in every art is present in her art of living.”

These words from Goethe and Einstein set me off on a quest. I began reading and rereading the work of great poets, philosophers, spiritual thinkers and others who attempted to understand what it meant to live well in their times/cultures. Some of their wisdom stood the test of time. Other bits seemed less relevant in a Facebook, Wikileaks, Enron, Charlie Sheen world. The more I read the more questions surfaced: What is the conventional wisdom of our day? If intellectual genius is represented by IQ and relational strength by EQ, what attitudes, behaviors and lifestyles would characterize a genius in the art of living? How will they change as 78 million Baby Boomers enter retirement and more than 80 million millennials come of age? What role will we Gen Xers have in that transition?

So I decided to lob the question out there to see if I could find some other folks interested in exploring what it might mean to pursue Genius in the Art of Living in the 21st century.

I look forward to looking inside, outside and around this box with you.

Joan